Overcoming Past Hurts

Have you ever thought about why some situations send you into orbit while other people don’t seem bothered by the same situation at all? Have you ever thought about why you snap at your spouse over a particular something they say or do and regret it minutes later after the damage is already done? Afterwards you pray about it and talk about it, but nothing seems to change? This study might just change your life or help you become a better disciple maker. It’s based on overcoming old hurts.

New research has just recently been released which supports some of the foundational principles found in God’s Word (I’m so happy that God’s Word is now being verified by the scientific community...boy, am I relieved). Here’s how it goes; basically, emotional responses come from the emotional portion of the brain. When this sensitive area registers a situation as being emotionally threatening, we are immediately sent a signal to either fight or run for cover. Now, because we have been taught not to Sumo wrestle on Sunday morning in the sanctuary, most of us tend to simply bury our true responses (run for cover). If there’s not a white line drawn around you this morning, you’ll recognize the symptoms; a rush of adrenaline, increased heart rate, blood pressure rockets, and your breathing rate all go off the map. On the outside we either begin to irrationally blow up or blow off.

This emotional part of our brain (the limbric system) contains all those old hurts from our past. It occurs when you find yourself in a situation and fly off the old handle or when you mask your true response out of fear you might hurt the other person’s feelings - these telltale signs may be your key to victory.

Let me illustrate. Julie was constantly reprimanded by her dad while growing up; she just never seemed to measure up to her dad’s way of doing things. No matter what she did, she could never do it good enough to receive her dad’s approval. Today, as a result of always trying to please her day and find value, approval, and acceptance, she now has an incredible lack of self esteem and avoids confrontation at all possible costs. Those buried memories of past hurts are now reflected each time Julie is confronted with a similar situation. In a nut shell, when you find yourself in a situation today similar to those old “hidden” situations of yesterday your mind simply plays back the response conditioned from the old program.

“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...” (Prov. 23:7)

You become what you think. One writer said, “A noble and Godlike character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with Godlike thoughts. An ignoble and bestial character, by the same process, is the result of the continued harboring of grovelling thoughts.”

“Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.” (Deut. 8:5)

“...he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.” (Ex. 34:7)

Why would your sins affect your grandchildren and great-grandchildren? This is no arbitrary punishment. Children still suffer for the sins of their parents. Consider child abuse or alcoholism, for example. While these sins are obvious, sins like selfishness, greed, anger, hatred, prejudice, and many others can be passed along as well. The horrible consequences of sin are not limited to the individual family member. Be careful not to treat sin casually, but repent and turn from it. The sin or attitude (disposition) may cause you some pain now, but it could really hurt in a most tender area of your life later...your children and grandchildren.

Here’s another example: Take Stanley. As president of a company, he tells everyone that he gives them the freedom to make decisions in their specific job assignments. Yet, when anyone makes a decision he either calls them on the carpet or blows up because their decisions never measure up to what he would do in the same situation. When his wife forgets to mail a document or when the kids forget to write down who it was that just called on the phone, Stanley’s reaction is off the chart. His reaction is way out of sync with the incident.

What he eventually began to see by paying attention to his responses was that when someone did not perform his way, his emotional brain was deluded by the old memories even in his new experiences. His mental library instantly reminded him of all those boyhood disappointments of not having a father in his life, his mother overcompensating by being overly demanding, and so now he is suspicious, controlling and manipulative. He learned as a young kid that people could not be trusted; it seemed no one kept their promises. As he grew, he experienced similar situations where people failed him for whatever reason and this reinforced the earlier mind-set - he simply attributed it to yet another broken promise. On the outside he would empower people, but would not trust them with decisions in fear of them breaking their promises. He learned that he could not depend on people to do what they said. To him, everyone became unreliable, even in all of his adult relationships.

Here’s how you can get a handle on the situation. The next time you feel yourself rubbed the wrong way by someone or when a situation causes you to blow up, take notice. Stop and see if you can identify the incident with some earlier pattern of emotion you’ve experienced. The pathway to overcoming is to identify your triggers. If you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll see a pattern when you become angry, hurt, sad, bitter, etc. You’ll begin to see that it’s not the current situation that’s bothering you, but an earlier program response you’ve recorded to help you survive all these years. Once you begin to identify and isolate the old responses from the new situation, you can have more rational responses and begin to reprogram your responses. All of this of course through prayer, obedience, and the Holy Spirit providing guidance. Don't run out to your spouse and say "see, it's all your fault!" Take personal inventory first and get hold of your own responses. Then you'll not only be able to help others, but become more of what Christ desires.

Just as a gardener cultivates his ground, keeping it from weeds, and growing productive and beneficial fruit, so can you tend the garden of your mind by weeding out all the wrong, useless, and impure thoughts and cultivating toward right, useful and pure thought. Good thought bears good fruit, bad thought bad fruit.

Children Learn What They Live
I have a plaque hanging in our home. It reads:

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

I pray you begin to realize that all that you achieve and all that you fail to achieve are the direct results of your own thoughts. As you think, so you are; as you continue to think, so you remain.

Live Christ Deliberately!

Doug Morrell