Restoring Relationships
Question:
"I got into a disagreement with one of my friends on how we ought to deal with those who sin against us. I believe we're supposed to go to the brother or sister who has sinned against us first. My other friends say I should just blow it off and not worry about it. So what is the proper balance that ought to be used when dealing with someone who has sinned against us?"
Based on what you shared with us, you're headed in the right direction. Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:15:
"If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over."
These are Jesus' guidelines for dealing with those who sin against us.
1) This is for Christians, not unbelievers;
2) These are sins committed against you and not others. This is not the same as personality conflicts, hair color or differences of opinion. In such things we are to forebear with one another.
3) This is meant for conflict resolution in the context of the church, not the community at large.
Jesus' words are not a license for a frontal attack on every person who hurts your feelings or those who don't hold the same view as you do. They are not a license to start a destructive gossip campaign or to call for a church trial. They are designed to reconcile those who "sin against you" so that all Christians can live in harmony.
When someone wrongs us, we often do the opposite of what Jesus recommends. We turn away in hatred or resentment, seek revenge, or engage in gossip by going to others about the situation rather than following God's commands. By contrast, we should go to that person first, regardless how difficult that may be. Then we should forgive that person as often as he or she needs it (Matthew 18:21, 22). This will create a much better atmosphere for restoring the relationship. We must also follow God's prescribed process if we desire to receive His fullest blessings.
Our Lord Jesus specifies three steps when a brother or sister sins against you (see also 1 Corinthians 5:1-5; Gal. 6:1). Each of these steps is over a period of time. You are to go to them:
1) In private (if he or she does not listen we then proceed to the next step);
2) With witnesses, preferably spiritually mature believers (if he or she does not listen we then proceed to the next step);
3) Take the issue before the church. In this context, it is not a lynching party – the purpose is to bring the sinning person to restoration. The entire church is given opportunity then to speak lovingly and in humility to the erring brother or sister in the hope of bringing forth restoration.
We should point out someone's sin in light of what Scripture says, but we should do so with gentleness and respect. We should prayerfully minister to them. Galatians 6:1 reads, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you may also be tempted." The Bible underscores the importance of restoring a sinning brother or sister gently, and by those who are spiritually mature: "you who are spiritual."
There are times when a believer appears unwilling or unable to see the sin in his or her life. It is then necessary to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Truth needs to be spoken, but it needs to be communicated in an attitude of love.
James 5:19-20 says, "My brothers if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins". The aim is to help wayward believers restore their relationship with Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:14-15 gives wise instructions: "And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else".
If we have a humble, loving attitude toward believers who are actively involved in sin, we'll be vessels of God's grace. If we have a harsh, judgmental attitude, we'll be displeasing to God and will probably drive these people even farther from the Lord. We need to examine ourselves and make sure our own hearts are clean before we approach another believer about his or her sin. The Bible talks about the sins of pride and self-righteousness far more than it addresses most other sins. When we're living our lives wholeheartedly for Christ we'll be Spirit-led in what we do.
We must also correct our own faults and solve our own problems before attempting to correct faults or problems in others (Matthew 7:1-5; Luke 6:37, 38, 41, 42). Those things that others do or say that bother us should be an immediate flag to examine our own judgmental attitudes - often times we easily recognize and condemn in others the very things we ourselves are doing.
Finally, knowing how and when to speak can only come from the Holy Spirit. Before you speak with a believer who is caught in sin, be sure to pray! Seek God's wisdom (see James 1:5). Ultimately, we're not the ones to bring a believer to repentance or to convict them of sin. That's the Holy Spirit's job - we're simply an agent in the process. Be very cautious and remember to allow the Holy Spirit to work. |
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